Tag Archives: passions of mind

Shorten blog post or extend one night stand?

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Last week I went to one creative writing workshop. Interesting, with people I admire a lot. But even after this workshop I have no answer to the question – how to make my writings shorter?

Cut to pieces? Go straight to the point? No adjectives?

Sometimes we buy book because we want, but never open them because it seems too thick. We press Like on FB without reading the post. We kiss without thinking why we do that. Is that a curse of our lifestyle, when the smaller – the better? The shorter – the better? The faster- the better?

Do we still want to have time-rich experiences? Long flings instead of one night stands, potted flowers instead of cut ones, articles, not only headlines, conversations not only text messages?

I am tired of pills instead of healing tea. And most probably will never be able to trim or strip my long posts.

 

Addictions and something is too late

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Crying definitely is not my  hobby. Last week’s emotional break down was caused by facing  self destruction of people I care about a lot, ones who were part of my adult life,  and lot of things were mixed in this sad story: drugs, alcohol, war mission, paternal responsibility and lack of it, guilt and rejecting the helping hand. I still don’t want to talk about that, still feel it’s a bit my fault…

Alcohol is for taste and smell for me, I can do silly things with a sober mind and I don’t care – glass of wine or glass of water. I just like to avoid deleting tomorrow from my diary because of today’s fun. And as far as I remember never wanted to flush down bad emotions with wine, always wanted to go through them with a clear mind.
I still smoke. I quit of one day without any thinking in advance and stayed away for a year. And then started again when Dad has extreme health problems. I hope I can go cold turkey anytime again.

But not drugs, never tried, so will wait till there are any medical indications:).  I was born in a small town in the south and during gloomy Soviet times we knew all drugs-addicts (using hard stuff) in  our school, we knew too much, as I recall now. Young people got no treatment, everyone around was about to close their eyes and pass by without noticing, adults were not aware what it was, youngsters were curious. “There is no sex in USSR” as one woman told during TV show back then, there were no drugs either… So I lost few my schoolmates before I graduated my uni….If nobody presses against you in underground, it doesn’t mean that the is no underground at all… (complicated sentence, but you are a smart reader).

Update. Smoking pot first time at my age was not funny at all. Everything should be tried and tested at the right age…Or maybe too late is even better – you have no time to develop addiction?

Excuses…

It’s me.

Four months unemployed, mentally lazy, sleeping well, procrastinating, taking pictures, intensively writing blog in my native tongue, meeting people. No dates, no new love stories, but making some artsy  stuff, attending expensive conferences, buying no shoes but perfumes…

Still need to make few changes in my life to be back on track: plan my day, be efficient, clarify what I want to do even without earning money.

I feel like I am not interesting to myself anymore. That’s why I am keep being silent on my blog.

Weekly Photo Challenge: Relic #1

Reply to my Friday excitement: http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_photo_challenge/relic/
I like to reply to challenge with one picture. But this time I got too emotional and failed.

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It’s my grandma’s home. My mother was born here.
I spent my long childish and reckless summers here.13897283500_73bafd31c9_k(1)
It takes me more than hour to drive here, but I still come to relive my memories, to write, to read, just to be here.

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Nobody lives here.  I can see the furniture I adored, look at photographs of people I don’t know, read my letters to grandma, touch  her handbags and dresses…

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15 years the house is abandoned, but still full of memories I want to cherish.

14658676313_462e4bb290_kSometimes I come here just to paint it red…

Lack of mind blowing ideas…

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My unemployment is great. Relaxed. Lazy days in and sleepless nights.   At the lake or in town. Reading and  writing.
Looking for and not finding…

Every day I spend at least an hour in total thinking about my  professional future. I don’t want to be invisible professionally.  I have enough experience to share and still plenty things to learn. I have lots of  passions  and hobbies, that blows my mind – I can be  a florist, I can work   in a bookstore, shoes or handbags boutique, I can go back to TV or radio station. I will never ever get a job there. I am over qualified:)  The idea should take me completely and then I will start …

I am not an executor type – since I have an idea and I  create a workflow for its execution, I don’t want to do things myself. It’s not fascinating for me. So I  almost never open the book our company published – what for? To look for mistakes? No sense. Too late. To see if it looks OK? I already know that. To be proud of the result? Why?- I developed  the idea, enjoyed  the process, that’s enough for me. I just know, that most effective and creative I am when not in regular situations, not at my working desk. In airport, bathroom, when traveling abroad, on holidays wherever- in a village, cabin in the woods or at the warm sea…

I always thought it was somehow connected with my attitude and my addictions. No, I don’t think I am adrenaline addict.  My driving as well as other behavior is not extreme, I never had any need for speed or anything  else that is risky, since my daughter was born. Being single mum since she was 4, made me much more careful than I would  loved to.

So clearly risk. that have certain mechanical tools – cars, motorbikes, planes etc involved – is not my cup of tea…Sometimes life just put you into  risky situations. More than twenty years ago I had to work in real war situation.  We were working  (and smoking!) near bottles of Molotov cocktails, lots of guns were nearby  and we were among really handsome young state security guys, as well as a sea of soldiers, so the fear and risk was well hidden in subconscious but  pumping  adrenaline into the blood, so weeks were decorated  with short flings in unexpected set of circumstances.
The risks I do take are more interpersonal and giving food for brain than physical excitement at the very moment. It’s more the attraction to unpredictable, indefinite situations and pushing the boundaries or going with the flow. But that probably just way of living, not any risk, despite my friends used to say “How dare you do that?” I am not very good at reading people, but I can always trust my gut feelings, just sometimes I forget about them. I am pretty good at putting myself in the situations I’ve never been before, with people I never met before, or in places I’ve never been to. I travelled with people I never met before, did lot hitchhiking, and that was not always safe for a girl. And I am not talking about sex with strangers around the corner in the dark street of the town I’ve just started to explore.

Should I do something crazy and absolutely wrong, go far away  to get new inspirations?

What stimulates your creativity? Addictions, regular life, infatuation, sex,  talks with strangers or chats with friends? How to be creative? How to release this creative energy which is locked inside?

Wind of change

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– What are going to do now?- it was the only question,  if I only mentioned quitting my job.
– I gonna have well deserved summer holidays, will think about new ideas and maybe I will get married, – my answer was funny and honest.

I had nothing but the world to embrace. I was tired and wanted to have suntanned legs, to travel, to meet new people. Move somewhere far away and live my ideal laptop lifestyle. Words about marriage were only self protecting shell to reflect my laid back attitude to the problem of being jobless.

I am not dating a guy, but who cares?
It’s good to be unemployed.
Eating blueberry cake the whole day…
The rest will follow: suntanned legs, the different time zone and one day my wedding dress with pockets…

Be brave to say out loud what you wish for,  it may happen. Very soon.

Post #100: My heroes and their goddess

photo(20)Woman is strong till she meets her Weakness.

Strange enough, I do attract certain type of men. Different –  past rockers, hippies, bikers, scientists, writers or promising youngsters. Different facial shapes, hair or skin colors, heights and weights, nationalities and eating preferences.

All of them – with dimple chin. Not very visible, but  always present. I never noticed that rule, until my friend, who studied faces reading once pointed it out.

“A dimple on the chin, the devil within.”
―Pope Paul VI

It’s interesting what in my face attracts them? I have nothing very special except my broken nose and distinct lips.

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“You gonna be my woman”, he said the next day. Even before first kiss, before long romantic walks, before our past stories and future plans, before dinner, sex and breakfast.

Man is much harder when he meets his Weakness…

Do I want to be his Weakness? I doubt. Really.