Master’s mindfuck. A book or not a book?

I always loved to write, but more often I was reading others. It was my work. Sharing bits of my life  online and at the same time figuring out lot of things for myself. In written. I got involved now. Here.

I carry a fancy notebook with me whenever I go, I  stop my car sometimes to pencil something what crosses my mind. I make notes in café. I use my mobile for voice recording during long drives. I have mountains of fragments, dialogs, sounds and letters, feelings and  thoughts for future. For future that never comes or for the book that will never be published.

But this February, when the story with Man With a Plan and his son has started, I said to myself – I need to write about that. It seemed like amazing modern fairy tale: amazing business projects, politics, ménage à trois,  mental attraction… There were amazing strings of coincidences and other amazing  things…However, it  smelled a bit fishy in the very beginning. ..But if you want , I can name it  as smell of sea and shells….It was like a promise of super sappy story or horror story of manipulation. Both were good. Even for the same audience.

Who don’t like an unexpected death of my suitor exactly on the day I was about  to visit him at home in his country being on business trip there. And me being his last woman… And his son with boiling young blood in his veins  chasing me with crazy romantic offers after father’s death…

And  I still  don’t believe that something extraordinary and deadly had happened  2 months ago, maybe both guys  just were playing the wrong music … to a good dancer.

I danced to this bad music avoiding  red flags, carefully trying to keep my life affected as little as possible. I was so keen to believe it was a miracle and I was chosen from above for it…..I  was polite and understanding, despite negative, so I waited  for more lies to see where they would slip…

Real people, real identities, real situations… and unreal story.  Am I really attracted to witty but perverted minds?  Have I lost my ability to understand reasons of people behavior? Was I involved to play mindfucking game against my will? Didn’t I want to play it?  Why people play games?  Why games are played by people?  Was it real? Is it the life,  just  much spectacular than any fiction? I don’t know.

I needed to write to figure out it. And I have started my story.  I was not distracted. I sent farewell letters … I was back on track again.
I was sure the music stopped playing after funeral. I was too tired to dance.  But music started again two weeks ago. Just few  chords. Pianissimo … by youngster…

I keep waiting for more. And will definitely make all skeletons dance.

But…

Do I really need to write this book? Do I need to immerse myself in the past to figure out WHY instead of living my life in the present and think HOW? Do I want a sweet revenge by writing a book? Do I need to justify my behavior? Do I need to understand them or me?

Do I need to be THE AUTHOR? Does anyone need another book on crazy dating story?

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The second guy in bed

His son.

Ain’t that weird enough?

Initial light, easy,  flying in the air and a bit shocking  idea suddenly fell down on me like a  summer rain – refreshing afterwards, but heavy  and unexpected at the moment.

Man with a plan of ménage à trois

I covered the topic of  adventures  and security a bit. But let me tell you more…

The story began online – as many of them do – with few lines of opening, which complimented my looks and my profile and invited to check his self-promotion. We hit it off online immediately and moved to Google Hangouts to continue in typing and video. It was a string of coincidences that imprisoned us at home and we both had a lot of time to waste online. During the three weeks of communication before our meeting I got the idea what was the future relationship set up this guy (50+) wanted to create.

The set up was a real ménage à trois, derived from an offer to have  MFM threesome one day.

NB! I am not raving nymphomaniac, rather moderate person in my sexual needs, I was and am only  a little interested in 3some,  so living in the same household with two men with different sexual need and capabilities seemed weird at first.

Look at the picture – it is a weird  stone I spotted  few summers ago at my grandma’s place and never touched, but few weeks ago it was waiting for me, so  I took picture of it  and brought  this threesome example home to investigate what it is. It feels like stone  – three petrified ice cream  scoops. Or three eggs. Or… whatever . Four petrified  balls  and vagina for illustration  is just too much to ask.

The only person who would understand me  in that set up – my aunt,  who lost her husband 20 years ago and seemed to live very quiet, but mentally busy life. When I have mentioned it,  she said enthusiastically  ” It might be good! Just  try that. Life is much more spectacular than fiction. You live your own life,  you have your own idea of being happy, so don’t be bothered by people’s opinions”. I was knocked out. I was taken aback. My 75 years old aunt, who haven’t had any boyfriend and sex since she was at hers juicy 55?

Yes, it was scary and that’s why I thought it  was a thing to try… Nowadays love and sex are differently interpreted  by people’s minds. Most people are  happy in relationship, that is  based on :  “I love you, so I do have sex with you and vice versa”.

There are (gourmet? very open-minded, with no values? driven too much by sex?)  couples felling happy with  the relationship based on different rules:  “I love you and /so I don’t necessary have sex only with you, because I love only you.  You love me and not necessary have sex only with me, we just accept what makes our partner really happy in relationship. Or  better summary of that may  ” We both make love in and we have sex with others out. We love each other and others are just for sex”.

I respect people who stay monogamous in relationship, I was faithful in all my committed relationships, but here I faced a chance to try something new for me.  I would be more than happy to get  everything I need inside of my relationship, assumed I love and I’m loved, there is trust, respect, compatibility and friendship.

But in this case I pay for one and get two. Do I need two?  I never had anything against pushing some boundaries  and trying new things. Threesome was on my bucket list, but not top priority.

Am I playing devil’s advocate here now? No.  I really enjoyed that idea.  Since I am kind of shrimp – I have my heart in my head – it was an essential need to know reasons for that ? I absolutely wanted   to get all arguments listed to understand, so… I let Man with a plan sell me that idea.

Sexual needs of woman who is 40+ is higher than ability of older man. (Yes, I know sometimes it’s true, sometimes not. Better safe than sorry – it’s your philosophy, isn’t it? ) Check!

For a man of his age to have two women in bed at the same time is a quickest way to disappoint both of them. I can understand. It works only if both girls want to make the man happy and content… I would prefer two guys – at least to see how it works. Check!

Everyday life which involves close interaction in limited space, may always be a temptation to continue interaction between the sheets. Having one drink too many, being broken or vulnerable, horny or lonely may inspire weirdest actions. I don’t know if I am that strong to resist the temptation. I never been in situation like this before, it’s better if it’s allowed , just in case. Check!

But all that seemed quite reasonable for me.  I love one and I am loved by two, almost legally.

The identity of the second man was the most difficult obstacle for me to overcome.

Stay tuned…