No, I don’t look like this Lady with a red hat on this pottery of unknown artist. My wine is never greenish and my absent glass is smaller. There is always a notepad on the table…
I don’t want to brag about how witty I am in my mother tongue. I am just above average. I like live shows and talking – when chat with friend turns out into something worth memorizing. I never remember. I am completely wrapped up in the pleasure of dialog, so I forget immediately most of “verbal pearls”, that fell down from my mouth…
But stupid me – I try to write in English. I was translating my notes when started blogging. Later I started to scribble in English. Sentence after sentence, sometimes without any reason but with the idea behind. I like short posts, but I don’t know when and how to stop at times. It takes me more time to write in English, my neck is rock hard after hours of writing.
Why to suffer?
I have another blog in my native language. I struggle with writing it despite all self-promoting bullshit above about my witty mind and sharp tongue. Why? Because no one is reading it? No. Sometimes someone reads or some two.
What is the reason behind this challenging self-torture?
I want to have a safe place to say whatever I want and get away with it. To remember or keep track of my thoughts. To ask questions and answer them. To put things in written to understand them. I need to have it written down, structured, listed to understand reasons and consequences. I want to be honest with myself. It’s easier to do that in writing, than in telling stories IRL. When I write nobody reacts immediately and makes no impact on my stories, reflections or expressions. Nobody asks to explain more, nobody looks into my eyes, distracts with questions, compassion or disapproval. It’s blessing and curse.
I want to I get delusional anonymity because of writing in English. Delusional, because half of my visitors are from my country 🙂 Do they recognize me? I doubt. None of my friends is reading my blog either knows about it. Only two guys I corresponded have read few posts. One of them was allowed and welcomed, another goggled few sentences from my emails and I noticed that. I read some time ago, that one is 100% honest only when writing a blog/diary, that nobody reads…I hope that delusional anonymity will help me to stay honest despite I have readers here.
I get factual accuracy because of writing in English. I don’t need to create, translate , I just need to put together – facts, letters, dialogs, memories, dreams.
I learn new English words every day and I still need to refresh my grammar.
You know now why I do write, but I don’t know why you read. But it’s awesome have readers!
I know why you like weekly Photo Challenge pics. I like them too.
My glass is empty, my post is too long , but unleashed thoughts are buzzing in my head. I need to stop now. Tomorrow will be another day. And another post to be written.